I can't describe how unbelievably in love I am with my little man. Quite a few times this week, as I was sitting there staring at our little boy, I was dumbfounded by the fact that he is actually here. I've long dreamed about how amazing it would be to hold our little one in my arms. And amazing it is! However, with the anticipation of the nine months of pregnancy gone, I find myself wishing time would slow down. Already he is a week old and I've barely had to time to memorize his tiny features. Before I know it, he won't be so tiny anymore. I want him to be little forever, and yet I'm anxious to see what God has in store for him. My heart hurts just thinking about his growing up and leaving me, and I've been fighting back tears this week because of it. What if he grows up way too fast? What if I miss something? What if I don't remember what he was like when he's older? I dread the end of each day, because that means already he is one day older and one step closer to leaving. I want to be able to hold him in my arms forever, and yet I know that is not possible. How can being a mother be so wonderful and awful at the same time?
Truthfully? I don't want to change diapers, nurse, or lose sleep forever. And if he stayed little, those things would stay too. Growing up is also just a part of life. We've all done it and our mothers were somehow able to make it through. So I know I'm going to be just fine, even if it hurts a little bit. I don't want to spend all my time wishing time would stand still. That will only make things worse, since time does no such thing. And even worse, if I am spending time wishing it would stand still, I am wasting that precious time to soak up every part of my son's life. A friend offered some advice..... don't worry about his growing up or you'll miss something now. Enjoy each stage as he's in it. So.... I've opted to do just that. I'm going to take it one day at a time and enjoy him each day, just as he is. He's amazing and I don't want to miss a thing.
So I'll leave you with this poem, that makes me cry every time I hear it. It's especially good to read when you're having a bad day with your children. It's a good reminder of just how short life is and a lesson not to take things for granted. I love you Aaron!
Let Me Hold You Longer
a poem by Karen Kingsbury
Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts;
First smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away and leave to me your past
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts.
The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips
The last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip,
The last night when you woke up crying,
Needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket
Wanting to be rocked.
The last time when you ran to me still small enough to hold
The last time when you said you'd marry me when you grew old.
Precious simple moments and bright flashes from your past
Would I have held on longer if I'd known they were your last?
Our last adventure to the park, your final midday nap
The last time when you wore your favorite faded baseball cap.
Your last few hours of kindergarten, last days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League, last colored picture made.
I never said goodbye to all your yesterdays long past
So what about tomorrow? Will I recognize your lasts?
The last time that you catch a frog in that old backyard pond
The last that you ran barefoot across our fresh-cut lawn
Silly, scattered moments and bright flashes from your past
I keep on taking pictures, never quite sure of your last.
The last time that I comb your hair or stop a pillow fight,
The last time that I tuck you in and pray with you at night.
The last time when we cuddled with a book just me and you,
The last time you jump in our bed and sleep between us two.
The last piano lesson, the last vacation to the lake
Your last few weeks of middle school, last soccer goal you make.
I look ahead and dream of days that haven't come to pass
But as I do I sometimes miss today's sweet precious lasts.
The last time that I help you with a math or spelling test
The last time when I shout that "Yes! Your room is still a mess!"
The last time that you need me for a ride from here to there
The last time that you spend the night with your old tattered bear.
My life keeps moving faster, stealing precious days that pass
I want to hold on longer, want to recognize your lasts.
The last thing that you need my help with, details of a dance,
And the last time that you asked me for advice about romance.
The last time that you talked to me about your hopes and dreams
The last time that you wear a jersey for your high school team.
I've watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as they pass
If I could freeze the hands of time, I'd hold onto your lasts.
For come some bright fall morning, you'll be going far away
College life will beckon in a brilliant sort of way
One last hug, one last goodbye, one quick and hurried kiss,
One last time to understand just how much you'll be missed.
I'll watch you leave and think how fast our time together passed
So let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last.
